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- February 17, 2025 - Episode 7:The Third Wheel
February 17, 2025 - Episode 7:The Third Wheel
How Childhood Trauma Becomes Your Marriage's Third Wheel.
Nickolas Stout
February 17, 2025
Table of Contents
Introduction
Dear Esteemed Members of The Dapper Minds Society,
As we journey deeper into February 2025, our exploration of love and relationships continues to evolve. Two weeks ago, in Episode 5, we discovered that love isn't just a feeling - it's an action, requiring deliberate choice and consistent effort. Last week, in Episode 6, we examined "The Monday After" - those crucial moments when the spotlight fades and true character emerges.
Today, we venture into perhaps our most profound territory yet - the invisible threads that connect our past to our present, specifically how childhood trauma shapes our capacity for love and connection in marriage. This isn't just about relationships; it's about the deep inner work required to become who we need to be for those we love.
This week's feature article delves into a truth that many find uncomfortable: You can't be the husband your wife needs while still being the child your parents wounded. We'll explore how unresolved trauma doesn't just affect us - it becomes an unwanted guest in our marriages, sitting at our dinner tables, sleeping between us and our spouses, whispering doubts in our quietest moments.
Through both personal insights and biblical wisdom, we'll discover not just why healing is necessary, but how it becomes possible. Because true refinement isn't just about the image we project - it's about the deep inner work that allows us to show up fully in our most sacred relationships.
Thank you for being part of The Dapper Minds Society, where we believe that true sophistication begins with honest self-reflection. If today's message resonates with you, please share it with others who might need to hear that their past doesn't have to dictate their future.
In Pursuit of Healing,
Nick Stout Founder, The Dapper Minds Society
P.S. In this week's newsletter, you'll find:
📋 Feature Article: "The Third Wheel - How Childhood Trauma Becomes Your Marriage's Third Wheel."
📖 Biblical Perspective: "Divine Design: When God Calls Us to Leave More Than Just Home"
🙏 Today's Declaration & Prayer: A powerful affirmation and guided prayer for healing and growth
💭 Original Quotes: Thought-provoking insights about healing childhood trauma
Plus additional resources for your mental wellness journey:
🧘♂️ Stress Management Techniques:
Box Breathing Method
The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Mindful Walking Practice
Evening Reflection Guide
Remember: True refinement isn't just about how we present ourselves to the world - it's about the deep inner work that creates lasting transformation.
Looking forward to growing together,
Nick
Who Are You?
Look in the mirror for a moment. Behind that well-groomed exterior, behind that confident smile, there's a little boy still nursing wounds from decades ago. That child who learned love came with conditions. Who watched his parents' toxic patterns and swore he'd never be like them. Who built walls so high even he can't see over them anymore.
Now look at your wedding ring. That circle of gold represents a promise - not just the one you made at the altar, but the one you made to yourself: "I'll do better. I'll be different. I'll love better than I was loved."
But here's the brutal truth that's going to sting: You can't be the husband your wife needs while you're still being the child your parents wounded.
Think about it:
When your wife expresses a need for emotional connection, do you freeze? That's not you being "strong" or "masculine" - that's that little boy who learned his feelings didn't matter.
When she tries to get close, do you pull away? That's not you being "independent" - that's that child who learned love isn't safe.
When minor disagreements escalate into defensive battles, that's not about the dishes in the sink or the bills on the table. That's about the child inside you who learned he had to fight to be heard, to be seen, to matter.
The Uncomfortable Reality
Your wife reaches for emotional intimacy, but you reach for your phone. It's not because you don't love her. It's because that little boy inside you learned that vulnerability leads to pain. So you've mastered the art of being physically present but emotionally unavailable.
She asks about your day, about your feelings, about what's really going on inside, and you respond with "I'm fine." Not because you're trying to shut her out, but because that child within learned that expressing feelings either got him hurt or was met with "stop crying" or "man up."
When she criticizes something small, you react like you're under attack. That's not about her comment - that's about years of feeling like you were never good enough, never measured up, never quite hit the mark.
You pride yourself on being "nothing like your father," but in running so hard from his shadow, you've created your own darkness. Maybe you don't yell like he did, but your silence is just as devastating. Maybe you don't drink like he did, but your emotional absence is just as painful.
This isn't just about the past. This is about right now:
When you can't fully trust your wife's love because trust was broken too many times before
When you can't accept her praise because you're still hearing old voices of criticism
When you can't be emotionally present because you learned presence meant pain
When you can't let her in because you're still guarding wounds from decades ago
Your childhood trauma isn't just your baggage - it's become your marriage's unwanted houseguest. It sits at your dinner table. It sleeps between you and your wife. It whispers doubts in your ear when she reaches for your hand.
Your childhood trauma is the unwanted houseguest in your marriage - it sleeps between you and your wife, eats at your table, and whispers doubts in quiet moments.
Look at how this plays out in the daily dance of marriage:
Money Conversations:
She wants to discuss the budget, but you shut down completely. Not because you're irresponsible, but because financial discussions trigger memories of scarcity, of watching your parents fight over bills, of feeling the weight of poverty or financial instability on your young shoulders.
Physical Intimacy:
She initiates closeness, but you find yourself creating distance. Not because you don't desire her, but because somewhere deep inside, that little boy learned that closeness always ends in abandonment. Or maybe you learned that love was always conditional on performance.
Conflict Resolution:
A simple disagreement escalates from zero to nuclear in seconds. Not because you're angry about the present situation, but because your childhood taught you that conflict meant chaos, that disagreement meant danger, that speaking up meant getting shut down.
Parenting Decisions:
She suggests a different approach with the kids, but you dig in your heels. Not because you think she's wrong, but because deviating from what you know - even if what you know is broken - feels like stepping off a cliff into the unknown
The tragic irony?
In trying to protect yourself from old wounds, you're creating new ones:
Your fear of vulnerability creates emotional distance
Your avoidance of conflict creates communication barriers
Your protection against hurt creates isolation
Your defense against pain creates more pain
Break The Cycle
Breaking this cycle requires something that terrifies that wounded child within: courage to face the past and vulnerability to create a different future.
It means:
Acknowledging that your defense mechanisms, while they protected you as a child, are now the very walls keeping love out
Recognizing that your "I'm fine" is really "I'm afraid"
Understanding that your emotional distance isn't strength – it's survival mode on autopilot
Accepting that healing isn't just for you – it's for every person who loves you
This is where real courage comes in:
It takes more strength to let your wife see your tears than to hide them.
It requires more bravery to share your fears than to mask them with anger.
It demands more power to be vulnerable than to be defensive.
The path forward isn't easy:
You'll have to face memories you've spent decades burying
You'll need to feel feelings you've spent a lifetime numbing
You'll have to unlearn responses that are now instinctive
You'll need to risk being hurt to have a chance at being healed
But here's the truth about healing:
Your wife isn't your therapist, but she can be your ally.
Your marriage isn't your childhood, but it can be your healing ground.
Your past isn't your future, but you have to face it to change it.
So how do we begin this journey of healing?
First, we have to understand what real strength looks like:
It's not in maintaining walls, but in having the courage to lower them
It's not in avoiding pain, but in facing it head-on
It's not in being unchangeable, but in being willing to grow
It's not in having no wounds, but in allowing them to be seen and healed
The practical steps might look like this:
1. Name Your Ghosts
Start identifying your triggers:
When do you shut down emotionally?
What conversations make you instantly defensive?
Where do you feel that familiar childhood panic rising?
These aren't just random reactions – they're breadcrumbs leading back to old wounds that need healing.
2. Own Your Story
Your childhood trauma isn't your fault, but healing from it is your responsibility. Your wife deserves a husband who's doing the work, not just carrying the wounds.
3. Find Professional Help
This isn't weakness – it's wisdom. Like you'd see a doctor for a broken bone, some breaks in our past need professional help to heal properly.
4. Include Your Wife
Not as your therapist, but as your ally. Let her know:
What you're working through
What triggers you're discovering
What support you need
What healing looks like for you
Remember: A wound we can see is a wound we can heal. But first, we have to stop pretending the bandages are our skin.
Here's what becomes possible when you do this work:
Instead of your marriage being haunted by your past, it becomes the ground where healing happens. Where new patterns replace old wounds. Where love isn't just promised – it's fully experienced.
Think about the transformation:
Where fear of abandonment once lived, security can grow
Where emotional walls once stood, intimacy can flourish
Where silence once ruled, honest communication can thrive
Where past trauma once dictated, present love can lead
But perhaps most powerfully – this healing reaches beyond just you and your marriage.
Consider this:
That little boy inside you, the one who carried those wounds for so long? He deserves to see what healthy love looks like. He needs to know that his past pain wasn't the end of his story.
Your wife deserves to experience all of you – not just the parts that felt safe enough to show.
And if you have children, or plan to have them, think about this:
They deserve a father who's done his healing work
They need to see what emotional health looks like
They should inherit your healing, not your trauma
Because here's the ultimate truth: The cycle of trauma stops where healing begins.
You can be the man who:
Transforms generational pain into generational health
Converts old wounds into new wisdom
Turns past trauma into future triumph
Your marriage can be more than just a relationship – it can be the place where both souls heal, where both hearts learn to trust, where love isn't just given but fully received.
Remember: You're not just healing for yourself.
You're healing for your wife who chose you.
You're healing for your children who'll learn from you.
You're healing for that little boy inside who's waited so long for someone to finally see his pain.
The question isn't whether you can be the husband your wife needs.
The question is: Are you ready to do the work to become him?
What wounds will you start healing today?
What Does The Bible Say?
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." - Genesis 2:24
This familiar verse takes on profound new meaning when we understand that "leaving" involves more than just physical departure. God isn't just talking about changing your address - He's talking about emotional, psychological, and spiritual separation that allows for true unity in marriage.
Think about that word "leave." In Hebrew, it's "azab" - meaning to loosen, relinquish, or forsake. It's not just about moving out of your parents' house. It's about:
Leaving old patterns
Releasing old wounds
Relinquishing harmful loyalties
Forsaking destructive mindsets
You can't "hold fast" to your wife while you're still holding onto your trauma.
You can't "become one flesh" while your past is creating division.
Look at how Scripture repeatedly shows us this pattern of leaving to cleave:
Abraham had to leave not just his father's house, but his entire cultural identity to become who God called him to be (Genesis 12:1).
Joseph had to process and heal from his family trauma before he could fully step into his role as a leader and provider (Genesis 50:20).
Consider how God repeatedly shows us this pattern of healing before leading:
Moses had to confront his own trauma - abandoned as a baby, raised in a foreign culture, fleeing in fear - before he could effectively lead others to freedom. His burning bush moment wasn't just a calling; it was a healing. God had to address his deep-seated insecurities and fears before using him.
"Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh?" (Exodus 3:11)
That's not just humility speaking - that's childhood trauma asking if he's worthy, if he belongs, if he's enough.
Look at David's journey:
Before he could be the king Israel needed, he had to process his own family wounds. The youngest son, overlooked by his father, left with the sheep while his brothers were presented to Samuel. Yet in those lonely fields, God was healing him through psalms of processing pain:
"My father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in." (Psalm 27:10)
This isn't just poetry - it's therapy in verse. It's processing childhood pain through the lens of divine love.
Even Jesus shows us the importance of emotional boundaries in family relationships:
"Who are my mother and my brothers?" (Mark 3:33)
Not rejecting family, but establishing healthy boundaries that allow for God's purposes to flourish.
The Bible doesn't just tell us to leave - it shows us how to heal:
1. Through Acknowledgment of Pain:
Look at the Psalms - they're not just worship songs, they're processing prayers. David didn't hide his wounds, he brought them to God:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart... see if there be any grievous way in me" (Psalm 139:23-24)
2. Through Breaking Generational Patterns:
Consider Hezekiah, who broke the cycle of ungodly kings before him:
"He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, according to all that David his father had done" (2 Kings 18:3)
He chose to reference back to David rather than his immediate father's broken example.
3. Through Community and Counsel:
"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17)
God never intended us to heal in isolation. Even Paul, with all his spiritual authority, needed Ananias to help him process his transformation.
4. Through Honest Confrontation:
Look at Jacob wrestling with God (Genesis 32). It wasn't until he confronted his past - even his name which meant "deceiver" - that he could become Israel, a prince with God.
5. Through Grace for the Process:
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion" (Philippians 1:6)
God's Word shows us that marriage isn't just a relationship - it's a healing ground:
The Marriage Bed as Holy Ground:
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" (Hebrews 13:4)
This isn't just about physical intimacy. It's about creating a safe space where two souls can be vulnerable, where healing can happen, where old wounds can be exposed to the light of love.
The Power of Covenant Love:
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7)
This kind of love creates the safety needed for deep healing. When your wife demonstrates this love, she's partnering with God in your healing journey.
The Divine Partnership:
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Your marriage, with God at the center, becomes stronger than your trauma.
But here's the crucial biblical truth about healing:
It requires death and resurrection - dying to old patterns to rise into new life:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17)
This means:
Dying to old defense mechanisms
Letting go of familiar but harmful coping strategies
Surrendering protective walls that no longer serve you
Rising into new patterns of trust and vulnerability
The Art of Box Breathing:
Like adjusting a perfectly knotted tie, box breathing is about precision and intention. This elegant technique, used by elite military units and executives alike, brings calm with sophisticated simplicity:
Corner One:
Inhale for 4 counts - like methodically buttoning a vest
Corner Two:
Hold for 4 counts - steady, like maintaining perfect posture
Corner Three:
Exhale for 4 counts - smooth, like the perfect windsor knot
Corner Four:
Hold empty for 4 counts - poised, like the pause before a speech
Progressive Muscle Relaxation:
Moving through your body with the same attention to detail you'd give a wardrobe inspection:
Begin at your feet, tensing each muscle group for 5 seconds
Release with intention, noting the sensation of relief
Progress upward like a master tailor examining fine fabric
End at your facial muscles, feeling tension dissolve like morning mist
The 5-4-3-2-1 Method:
A grounding technique as refined as selecting accessories:
5 - things you can see - like choosing the perfect pocket square
4 - things you can touch - like feeling fine silk between your fingers
3 - things you can hear - like appreciating a symphony
2 - things you can smell - like sampling a signature cologne
1 - thing you can taste - like savoring aged wagyu steak
Mindful Walking:
Transform a simple stroll into a meditation in motion:
Feel each step like testing fine leather shoes
Notice your surroundings with the attention of a master craftsman
Let your breath align with your pace, creating harmony in motion
Evening Reflection:
End your day like closing a fine establishment:
Review the day's events with measured consideration
Note areas for improvement with gentle scrutiny
Acknowledge victories with quiet dignity
Set intentions for tomorrow with purposeful clarity
Remember: Relief from stress isn't about escaping reality – it's about mastering your response to it. Like a perfectly tailored suit, your stress management should fit your personal style while maintaining impeccable standards.
Practice these techniques with the same dedication you bring to maintaining your finest garments. Your mind deserves no less attention than your wardrobe.
Your Daily Affirmation
What Does Not Define You:
Your past does not define you – it refines you
Your scars do not define you – they remind you of your strength
Your pain does not define you – it teaches you compassion
Your mistakes do not define you – they guide your growth
Your failures do not define you – they pave your path to success
Your struggles do not define you – they shape your resilience
Your fears do not define you – they reveal your courage
Your doubts do not define you – they lead you to certainty
Your wounds do not define you – they mark where you've healed
Your trauma does not define you – it shows what you've overcome
What Defines You (Biblical Promises):
You are the head and not the tail (Deuteronomy 28:13)
You are more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)
You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
You are chosen and appointed to bear fruit (John 15:16)
You are God's masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10)
You are a royal priesthood, a holy nation (1 Peter 2:9)
You are blessed coming in and going out (Deuteronomy 28:6)
You are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14)
You are redeemed and forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)
You are sealed with the promised Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13)
You are a new creation; the old has passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17)
You are an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb (Revelation 12:11)
DAILY DECLARATION:
Today, I declare: I am not my childhood wounds. I am not my past trauma. I am not the pain I've carried.
I choose to: Release what was done to me Rewrite what was taught to me Rebuild what was broken in me
I understand: My healing isn't just for me My growth isn't just about me My transformation impacts every life I touch
I commit to: Being stronger than my fears Being braver than my pain Being more honest than my habits Being more vulnerable than my walls
Remember: Your past shaped you, but it doesn't own you. Your trauma taught you, but it doesn't define you. Your wounds marked you, but they don't control you."
DAILY PRAYER:
Father,
Grant me the courage to face the wounds I've hidden, The strength to feel what I've numbed, The wisdom to heal what I've ignored.
Help me to:
Release the protection that no longer serves me
Embrace the vulnerability that leads to healing
Trust the process of becoming whole
Lord, make me:
Strong enough to be weak
Brave enough to be vulnerable
Wise enough to seek help
Humble enough to grow
Show me how to:
Love beyond my fears
Trust beyond my wounds
Give beyond my pain
Grow beyond my past
In Jesus' name, Amen."
Today's Invitation:
Let your dreams speak in the quiet moments Let your aspirations float like a rubber duck on still waters Let your potential rise like a coming-of-age ceremony Let your purpose clear itself like a well-organized desk Let your impact be felt like a silent radio wave reaching across distances
In a world that celebrates noise, be the quiet certainty of a dream taking shape. Be the dignified silence of purpose unfolding. Be the peaceful presence that speaks volumes without saying a word.
After all, the most profound dreams often come true not with a bang, but with the quiet certainty of dawn breaking over new horizons.
What whispers of possibility will you hear today in your moments of silence?
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